How to Encourage an Adult Loved One to Seek Eating Disorder Treatment
Written by CCTC Staff Writer
Helping an adult loved one seek treatment for an eating disorder is very different from helping a child get treatment. There are several reasons for this, including:
Responsibilities: Adults have responsibilities that children do not. They may have jobs that are hard to get away from, or families that depend on them.
Financial Hardship: Eating disorder treatment can get very costly, and having to foot the bill is daunting, if not impossible, for many adults.
Time: It may be hard for an adult to take the time (whether it’s a weekly therapist appointment or more intensive treatment) to get help.
Shame: Many people view eating disorders as a “young person’s problem.” Many adults see themselves as “too old” to have one. This causes great shame in an individual, and that shame makes it harder to ask for help.
Lone Wolf Mentality: Many adults think they can “beat an eating disorder” by themselves, and are therefore reluctant to ask for or accept help.
And, of course, many people (regardless of age) may not even consciously realize that they even have a problem with food or exercise. We’re all so immersed in diet culture that disordered thoughts and behaviors are almost “normal.”
While helping an adult loved one seek and arrange eating disorder treatment is hard, it’s not impossible. Here is how to help.
Raise your own awareness about eating disorder signs and symptoms.
It’s not fair to your loved one to assume that they have an eating disorder without recognizing the signs of one. If your loved one has gained or lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, this does not automatically mean they have a problem with food. They could have a physical health issue going on, or have faced trauma or loss that causes a loss of appetite.
This is to say that (and this is extremely important) eating disorders do not have “a look.” You cannot automatically tell that someone has an eating disorder by the way they look. In fact, less than six percent of people with an eating disorder are clinically classified as “underweight.”
Related: Stereotypes about the kind of people who develop eating disorders are dangerous. Read why believing that eating disorders “have a certain look” is extremely damaging here.
So, if you think someone you love may have an eating disorder, you should read all about them. (This resource is a good starting point.) Educating yourself will help you understand more about what might be going on with your adult loved one.
When reading about eating disorders, pay attention to:
Psychological and behavioral signs and symptoms, so you know what to look out for
The emotions behind them, so you might understand a little more what they might be going through
The reasons behind them, so you understand that it’s not just about food or appearance
The kind of language used to talk about eating disorders, so that you know how to speak to your loved one about them
The kinds of treatment options out there, so you have information to offer them when (hopefully) they agree to seek treatment
And listen to the way your loved one talks or acts. Do they:
Frequently engage in negative self talk about their body?
Categorize foods as “good” or “bad”?
Constantly talk about dieting?
Frequently engage in “crash” or “fad” diets?
Place a lot of their self worth in the way that they look?
Place a lot of value, or pride even, on how little they have eaten?
“Cut out” entire food groups, or “swear off” something like sweets?
Avoid eating in front of others?
Avoid events that involve food?
Have a strict exercise routine?
Exercise even if sick, injured, or in extreme weather conditions?
Seem anxious when deciding what to choose on a menu, or what to buy at the grocery store?
Always check the nutritional content of food?
Log everything they consume in a fitness app?
Buy mostly “diet” foods?
Get defensive if questioned about food disappearing in the house?
Go straight to food whenever they’re having strong emotions?
Express extreme guilt after eating?
Often go to the bathroom immediately after eating?
Weigh themselves frequently (more than once a week)?
Consume a lot of coffee, tea, or other stimulants?
Take diet pills?
Appear weak, or disinterested, in general?
Once you have all the facts, both about eating disorders and about your loved one’s behaviors, you are prepared for the hard part: confrontation.
How to Approach Your Adult Loved One with Your Concerns
Before you have what can be a hard conversation with your loved one, remember that they may be feeling embarrassed, anxious, or ashamed of their eating disorder. Remain compassionate, patient, and caring when speaking to them.
Find a time and place to raise your concerns to them. You should try to speak with them alone, in a calm environment, and set aside an ample amount of time to have this important conversation. Do not ever talk to someone about food or eating disorders while eating, as this will heighten their anxiety.
Use “I” statements, such as, “I care about you,” and, “I’m worried about you.” Do not make them feel guilty or at fault with statements like, “You are making me worried.”
Let them know that this is a safe space for them to express how they feel.
Listen intently and respectfully to their words. Be prepared for any number of things: denial, anger, relief, or intense sadness.
Encourage them to seek help and let them know what kinds of options are out there. Let them know that you will support them in any way you can.
Do not, under any circumstances, try to manipulate them into feeling bad or seeking help. For example, do not say, “If you loved me you wouldn’t do this to yourself.” Do not try to punish them with statements like, “I won’t be friends with you anymore if you don’t get help.”
These are counterproductive and will end up making them feel worse, rather than better. The point of confronting someone about an eating disorder is to make them more aware of the problem and put it out in the open. It’s to let them know that you love and care about them, and offer them help.
Related: Invalidation, or seeing oneself as “not sick enough” to have an eating disorder, is a real barrier to treatment. Here’s how to handle it if you or a loved one are hesitant to seek treatment because the eating disorder isn’t “severe enough” to be a real problem.
Arranging Treatment: Reduce the barriers to treatment, if you can.
Those struggling with an eating disorder often acknowledge barriers to treatment, rather than the benefits of it.
So try to help remove those barriers if you can.
For instance, if your loved one says they can’t “find the time” for a weekly appointment or intensive treatment program because they have children, offer to watch them while your loved one receives treatment if possible.
If they are struggling to commit to and find a treatment program, help them do the research and make phone calls. It can be so helpful to have someone helping with the administrative tasks, especially because someone with an eating disorder is often suffering from fatigue, anxiety, and brain fog.
If your loved one is having difficulty approaching the subject of a leave of absence with their boss, remind them how important it is to get help. Remind them of how much better they’ll be at work when they recover. And be there for emotional support after your loved one approaches their boss, whether that’s by seeing them in person after work, or being available to speak on the phone with them.
If they are having difficulty paying for eating disorder treatment, help them identify resources for paying for treatment, if you can. Help them correspond with their insurance provider, if they have one, and look for treatment scholarships.
Related: Looking for eating disorder treatment scholarships? Click here for more information.
Make sure you take care of yourself too.
You cannot force your adult loved one to seek help for an eating disorder. It is not up to you whether they will recover, or whether they will even consider recovery.
You are not their therapist, nor should you be their only support. This can be draining physically and emotionally. Make sure to take time for yourself, to breathe, relax, and step back when you need to.
Most importantly: You are not the reason they developed an eating disorder, and you alone will not be the reason they get better. You are not supposed to “save them.” The best you can do is express your concerns, and be there to support them if/when they decide to get help.
If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, take the first step today and talk to someone about recovery or simply learn more about the holistic eating disorder recovery programs we offer.