The Importance of Grieving Your Eating Disorder
Written by Emily Costa
Grief is a profoundly personal and powerful emotion, often associated with the loss of a loved one or a big, often unexpected, life change. You may be surprised to learn that grief can also accompany the process of recovery from an eating disorder. Letting go of an eating disorder often means saying farewell to something that has been a significant, albeit destructive, part of one’s life. The journey to recovery frequently uncovers feelings of loss and mourning.
In this blog, we will explore the lesser-known aspect of grieving in eating disorder recovery. We aim to shed light on why it's a crucial part of the healing process, how it manifests, and most importantly, how to navigate it effectively.
What is Grief?
Grief is a deep emotional response to a significant loss, usually associated with the death of a loved one. However, it can also occur due to the end of a relationship, a change in life circumstances, or a decline in health, among other reasons. It's an individual and complex process, often characterized by stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's important to understand that these stages are not necessarily linear and vary greatly from person to person. The intensity, duration, and expression of grief can differ widely depending on cultural, personal, and situational factors. There is no 'right way' to grieve; each person's experience is unique and valid.
Stages of Grief in Eating Disorder Recovery
In the context of eating disorder recovery, the grief process involves specific stages, not unlike those experienced in traditional grieving. Let’s take a look at the stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—and how they play a role in the healing process.
1. Denial
In the context of eating disorder recovery, denial may involve refusing to acknowledge the harm the disorder has caused. Individuals may downplay the severity of their situation, believing they have control over it. This is often where the recovery process begins. You may even find yourself revisiting denial throughout the first stages of recovery.
2. Anger
This stage is often characterized by frustration and resentment towards the disorder. This can manifest as anger towards oneself, friends, relatives, or health professionals. It's a reaction to the realization of the damage the disorder has inflicted. You may be regretful of the time ‘lost’ to your eating disorder. Anger towards recovery itself and how difficult it feels in moments.
3. Bargaining
Bargaining often involves making deals or promises in an attempt to regain control or revert to the state before the eating disorder. An individual might promise to eat healthier if they can still maintain a certain weight. You may try to compromise with your treatment team at times to find ways to hold onto your eating disorder and try to recover simultaneously.
4. Depression
This stage is marked by a profound sense of sadness over the loss of the eating disorder, which may have served as a coping mechanism. People in this stage might feel lonely, helpless, and overwhelmed. You may wonder what you will do without your eating disorder.
5. Acceptance
Acceptance doesn't mean being okay with the disorder. Rather, it is about acknowledging its existence and the necessity of change. It signifies readiness to seek help and make strides towards recovery.
Related: Ambivalence in Eating Disorder Recovery: Overcoming the Challenges of Change
Grieving your eating disorder
Grieving your eating disorder might seem paradoxical, but it's a natural part of the healing journey. The disorder, despite its destructive consequences, may have served to meet certain needs, creating a sense of loss when moving towards recovery.
Here are a few common ways eating disorders serve a function:
Numbing Out
The patterns of binging, purging, or restricting may offer a temporary escape from emotional pain. They can serve as a coping mechanism, numbing out feelings of anxiety, sadness, or loneliness. Letting go of this familiar method of emotional regulation can trigger a sense of loss.
Escaping
For some, an eating disorder can create an illusion of retreat— a bubble where external stressors seem muted. It can be a distraction from dealing with difficult life circumstances or personal struggles. As you recover, you may grieve this perceived safe haven.
Illusion of Control
Eating disorders can create a false sense of control over one's body and life. The rules, rituals, and routines related to food can appear to offer structure and predictability in a world that often feels chaotic. Recovery involves surrendering this illusion and embracing uncertainty, which can evoke feelings of grief.
Identity
An eating disorder can become entwined with one's identity. It may feel like an integral part of who you are, shaping your thoughts, emotions, and interactions. When you choose recovery, you're choosing to redefine your identity without the eating disorder, which can feel like losing a part of yourself.
Understanding these aspects of potential grief in recovery can foster compassion for oneself during this challenging process. It's important to remember, however, that while grief can be painful, it's a testament to growth, resilience, and the pursuit of a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Learning from Your Grief
The pain of grief can be a challenging but enlightening teacher. Confronting your grief provides crucial insights into the ways an eating disorder might have functioned in your life. Understanding these mechanisms can guide you towards healthier alternatives. If the disorder served as an emotional escape, learning effective coping strategies for managing anxiety, sadness, or loneliness is essential. If it presented an illusion of control, learning to embrace uncertainties and developing problem-solving skills can be beneficial. If it was a misguided source of identity, working towards establishing a robust sense of self—free from the constraints of the disorder—is crucial. These learnings from grief can be challenging, but they are invaluable stepping stones on your path to recovery.
Writing a Letter to Your Eating Disorder
Writing a letter to your eating disorder can be a powerful therapeutic tool to explore and process your grief. It provides a safe space to express your feelings, recount your experiences, and affirm your commitment to recovery. Here is a loose structure to follow to attempt writing your own letter, but remember, let your thoughts lead the way:
1. Purpose of the Letter
Begin by stating the purpose of the letter. This could be to gain insights into your grief, establish closure, or articulate your journey towards recovery.
2. Gratitude
This may sound strange, but acknowledging the reasons you're thankful for your eating disorder can be a healing step forward. Consider the needs it may have served—whether it provided an escape, control, or a sense of identity. It was there when you needed it, it is okay to admit it.
3. Reasons to Move On
Reflect on why you need to release this part of your life. Discuss the harm your eating disorder has caused, both physically and emotionally, and the long-term consequences it has had on your well-being.
4. Vision for the Future
Lastly, envision your life post-recovery. Write about your hopes, dreams, and aspirations, free of the constraints of your eating disorder. This could include healthier coping mechanisms, newfound self-love, and a renewed sense of self-identity.
Revisit this exercise when you need a reminder of what your eating disorder provided and why you need to move forward. You may learn a lot about yourself and recovery at different points in the journey.
Be Kind to Yourself
During this process of recovery and letting go, it's vitally important to be kind to yourself. There will be many different emotions and feelings that arise throughout the grieving process. You may find yourself at one stage of grief and cycle back to denial. But every step forward is taking you where you ultimately want to go.
Remember, recovering from an eating disorder is not a linear process; there will be ups and downs, progress and setbacks. And that's perfectly normal. Treat yourself with the same compassion and patience you would extend to a close friend. Avoid self-blame or criticism when things don't go as planned, and celebrate your small victories along the way.
Remember, you are worthy of recovery, and every effort you make counts, no matter how small it may seem. Be patient with your journey and trust in your ability to heal.
Reach Out for Help if You Need It
Recovery from an eating disorder is no easy feat—it's a journey marked with challenges, self-doubt, and struggle. But remember, it's OK to reach out for help when the journey becomes too overwhelming. Nobody should navigate this path alone; there are professionals, support groups, and loved ones ready to lend their support. If you or your loved one are ready to reach out for help, Central Coast Treatment Center is here for you.
Explore our treatment programs today and connect with our Admissions Team to begin the recovery journey.
Emily Costa
Having struggled with an eating disorder herself, Emily is passionate about spreading awareness, education and the possibility of recovery with others. Emily previously volunteered as a Crisis Text Line counselor and with the eating disorder non-profit Project HEAL where she served as their blog manager, their NYC Chapter Leader & a recovery mentor in their Communities of HEALing pilot program completing training by the Carolyn Costin Institute. Emily now enjoys working with various treatment centers, clinicians and non-profits in the eating disorder community providing marketing and design services. In her free time she enjoys spending time with friends, hanging with her dogs, and reading a book at the beach.