Eating Disorders and Romantic Relationships: How to Fight the Illness Together
Written by CCTC Staff Writer
Eating disorders pose a threat to all romantic relationships, mostly because of the strain it puts on both partners. While love and support are the glue to any good romantic relationship, things like guilt, shame, and secrecy on the part of the eating disorder sufferer, plus frustration and self-blame from the partner of the sufferer, can drive a wedge between you both.
But there are ways that both of you can battle an eating disorder together, side-by-side.
Read on for:
The challenges of having a romantic relationship and an eating disorder
How eating disorders affect the support partner
What the eating disorder sufferer can do to help themselves and their partner battle the eating disorder
How a supportive partner can help their struggling loved one
Challenges for the Partner Suffering From an Eating Disorder
Guilt and Secrecy
Eating disorders thrive on secrecy and isolation.
Someone with an eating disorder may feel guilty about using behaviors, or feel the need to “protect” their current level of imagined control. The control is “imagined” because when you have an active eating disorder, it’s the one calling the shots — not you.
Guilt, secrecy, and pulling away from your partner can drive a wedge between the two of you, which can be a huge threat to your relationship.
Distrust of Your Partner
Your eating disorder will always try to control you.
It will try to force you away from anyone who threatens perceived control, often through some level of distrust. You may view your partner as a liar or a threat when they try to:
Persuade you to eat
Keep you from over-exercise
Tell you how beautiful or attractive you are
Confront you about your behaviors
Encourage you to seek treatment for an eating disorder
At the end of the day, it’s your eating disorder who lies to you about how losing weight or using behaviors will make you happy. And it’s your partner who really wants the best for you.
The War Between the Eating Disorder and your True Self
If you are still deep in your eating disorder, and even when you’re in recovery, you will probably confuse your true voice, and your true desires, with what your eating disorder says to do.
So, you end up at war with yourself over whether you should engage in behaviors, or use opposite action and do what’s good for your recovery.
Related: This is how to tell the difference between your eating disorder voice and your true self voice.
Challenges for the Partner of Someone with an Eating Disorder
It can be hard to get your partner to go out with you due to food and body image issues.
Your partner may distance themselves from you because of shame, secrecy, and guilt about their disordered behaviors.
Intimacy might be out of the question right now due to negative body image or low self-esteem.
There may be abuse or trauma involved that keeps your partner at arm’s length.
You might feel physically, mentally, and/or emotionally drained while trying to support your loved one.
You might blame yourself for your partner’s problems.
Related: This is why trauma treatment is necessary for full and lasting eating disorder recovery.
8 Ways for Romantic Partners to Face Their Common Enemy (The Eating Disorder) Together
If your partner is struggling with an eating disorder:
1. Educate yourself.
First, educate yourself about eating disorders.
Understanding how eating disorders develop and what your partner may be experiencing is the first step to really supporting them in this tough time.
2. If you haven’t already, approach your loved one about your concerns.
Maybe you and your partner have never discussed their issues with food, exercise, and other disordered thoughts and behaviors.
Sit down with your partner, voice your concerns, and encourage your loved one to seek help for their disordered habits.
3. Help your loved one arrange for treatment, if you have the capacity to do so.
There are a lot of barriers of eating disorder treatment — especially for adults that can’t be “forced” into treatment like children and teenagers can.
They may not be able to get help for their disorder because they:
Take care of family members
Can’t take time off from their job
Might not be able to afford treatment
Don’t have the capacity to decide which eating disorder therapist or treatment program is right for them
Can’t make the necessary phone calls, book appointments, or arrange to go to through an intensive treatment program
You might be able to help them overcome some of these barriers to treatment.
Related: This is how to pay for eating disorder treatment with or without insurance.
4. Don’t blame yourself for their eating disorder.
Self-blame is a common phenomenon when it comes to partner or spousal support in eating disorder recovery.
You may find yourself asking:
What could I have done better?
How could I have helped my partner avoid this?
Am I making their eating disorder worse?
This is my fault. I was the one who caused their disorder.
I have to save them from their eating disorder.
Thoughts or questions like these are simply not helpful for you or your partner.
Instead, remind yourself that:
No one person can “cause” an eating disorder — an eating disorders are complex illnesses caused by several influences, such as genetics, personality, social environment, comorbid diagnoses, and triggering situations
You are doing the best you possibly can right now
You should be gentle with yourself and your partner — eating disorder recovery is not perfect, and neither of you are perfect, either
It’s okay to step back and take a break when you need to
You need to take care of yourself first, or there’s no way you can support your partner with their recovery
5. Avoid passing judgment or blaming your partner when they slip up.
A lot of the time, you and your partner are aware of the damage an eating disorder causes in a relationship.
When your partner engages in eating disorder behaviors openly or in secret, you can feel hurt or resentful towards your partner. You might even blame them for engaging in behaviors, and accuse them of slipping on purpose.
But trust your partner when they say that they don’t want an eating disorder controlling them. It’s not their fault, and you have to remember this when times get tough.
6. If you have children in the household, open up the conversation.
At first, you and your partner may be inclined to hide your troubles from your children. But children are much more intuitive than you might assume, and can probably pick up on the fact that something is amiss.
Sit down as a family and have an open conversation with your children about eating disorders. Answer any questions as best as you can.
7. Avoid body image talk — even when it’s positive.
You might want to reassure your partner that they are beautiful and that you are attracted to them, no matter what they look like.
However, this may backfire, because it can make your partner hyperfocus on their looks and the fact that you think about their body as well.
They also might not believe you. And, even worse, their eating disorder may use this disbelief as an opportunity to make your partner stop trusting you.
Instead, compliment them (and other people in general) on things that are not at all related to looks. Here’s some ideas on how to compliment someone with an eating disorder.
8. Do not try to “fix them.”
You cannot force someone into real recovery.
Don’t try to:
“Fix” or “save” them
Guilt them into getting help
Force them to eat with you
Treat them like a child with no say about their life
Give them an ultimatum such as “If you don’t recover, I’m going to leave you.”
Trying to do any of these things will only create more tension.
You can encourage them to eat and seek help. You can take a step back when you need to. But otherwise, external pressure to change never works long-term.
If you are the romantic partner suffering with an eating disorder:
Communicate with your partner.
Let your partner in whenever possible,
Tell them when you are struggling, when you need more support, and anything they can do to help — whether it’s stopping triggering behaviors or positive things to aid in your recovery.
Lean on them for support, especially during meals and urges to use eating disorder behaviors.
If you are facing a particularly difficult challenge, like a family dinner or the urge to use behaviors to calm distress, ask them for support.
Tell them about any urges, and ask them to distract you. They can talk to you, watch TV with you, or go on a slow, mindful walk with you.
If you’re comfortable with it, they could even sit down and have a mindful meal with you. You can model their behavior, as long as they have a good relationship with food and exercise.
Related: This is how to take meal support practices you learn in treatment and apply them at home.
Work with an eating disorder professional to address any relationship troubles and/or trauma.
If your relationship is putting a strain on your recovery, talk to your therapist about it. Maybe even consider bringing your partner along for a session to work on any issues.
And if you have any past sexual trauma or domestic abuse keeping you from being open with your partner or engaging in recovery, you absolutely need to address it in your sessions.
Related: This is what EMDR is, and how EMDR can help eating disorder patients process past trauma
Consider doing exposures to build up to difficult romantic situations.
What kinds of romantic experiences is your eating disorder keeping you from doing?
Maybe you want to:
Eat out with your partner
Share special birthday dinners or holiday meals with your partner, their friends, and/or their family
Wear clothing that makes you feel confident and attractive
Get comfortable with a romantic partner seeing your body
Have intimate moments and experiences with your partner (not everyone wants this, and that’s okay, too)
Not lie to your partner about eating disorder thoughts and behaviors
A lot of these things are really difficult for eating disorder sufferers. But you can build up to doing these difficult tasks in the real world during therapy sessions with an eating disorder professional. “Building up” is also known as exposure therapy, which is a way to practice things like going out to eat or reducing distress around body image.
Related: This is the science behind exposure therapy and how to get started with the help of a professional.
Recognize when your relationship is no longer serving your recovery.
There are some situations — such as codependency — that are not helping your recovery.
And because your recovery must always come first if you want to have positive relationships, you have to recognize when your relationship is keeping you from full recovery. Then, you have to decide whether you can improve your relationship or not.
If you want to continue your relationship, learn interpersonal effectiveness skills to improve communication and voice your needs.
Related: This is why codependent relationships are a threat to eating disorder recovery, and what to do if you find yourself in a toxic relationship.
You, your partner, and an eating disorder: Three is a Crowd.
An eating disorder doesn’t magically disappear overnight — so you will have to get used to battling an eating disorder together. With open communication, active support, and professional help, romantic relationships and eating disorder recovery can flourish.
If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, take the first step today and talk to someone about recovery or simply learn more about the holistic eating disorder recovery programs we offer.