Ambivalence in Eating Disorder Recovery: Overcoming the Challenges of Change
Written by CCTC Staff Writer
Making the decision to recover from an eating disorder is often one of the most difficult decisions a person will make in their life. This is because recovering from an eating disorder requires making a lot of changes, many of which can be challenging.
Ambivalence is a common feeling among people who are trying to overcome their eating disorder. They may feel pulled in opposite directions, wanting to recover but also wanting to stay sick. It is important to understand the impact of ambivalence to prevent possible poor outcomes such as a refusal to seek help, dropping out of treatment or relapsing.
In this blog post, we will explore ambivalence in eating disorder recovery and discuss ways to overcome the challenges of change.
What does it mean to be ambivalent?
The definition of ambivalence is “the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something.”
In the context of eating disorder recovery, ambivalence refers to feeling both a desire to recover and a desire to stay sick.
For many people struggling with an eating disorder, the thought of making all of the necessary changes can be daunting. It can be easier to stay in their comfort zone, even if that means remaining sick. It can be confusing for both yourself and your loved ones to deal with the fluctuations between the desire to change and wanting to remain in your eating disorder.
Is feeling ambivalent towards recovery normal?
Feeling ambivalent about eating disorder recovery is not only normal, but is an expected part of the process.
Individuals who have eating disorders frequently experience ambivalence about their recovery. This is because disordered behaviors are typically used to deal with difficult emotions or challenges. So while there are moments you may realize you are ready to get out of the cycle of your eating disorder, you may find yourself in the next moment thinking you could not live without these behaviors to get through stress.
These feelings of ambivalence can create a fluctuating level of interest in seeking treatment, or continuing treatment. This ambivalence often leads to some people either beginning the process of seeking treatment, or being in the middle of treatment, and deciding to give up.
Related: Maintaining Motivation in Eating Disorder Recovery
Are you feeling ambivalent?
Your feelings and thoughts may feel intense when thinking about choosing recovery. Please know your feelings are real and valid. It can be helpful to step back and assess whether or not you are in a state of ambivalence, as an eating disorder may try to convince you that you are not.
Explore the following questions:
Are you feeling that your thoughts, feelings or beliefs are fighting opposite thoughts, feelings and beliefs? Somewhat like a tug of war between recovery and your eating disorder.
Do you think about making a change and explore options such as a therapist, dietitian or a treatment program, but then freeze and find yourself unable to make a move?
Do you feel there are moments you are ready to make change and stick to your recovery-focused plans but then find yourself rebelling against them hours later?
Do you find yourself thinking you can not imagine living another day with your eating disorder, but then have strong thoughts that things are not that bad?
Do you find yourself justifying your disordered behaviors by saying you can control this, but don’t have to right now, and you can try again tomorrow, next week, or next month?
Do you find yourself questioning if your eating disorder is helping you feel in control, or if you have lost control and your eating disorder now controls you?
Take time to write down what your goals are.
Why is ambivalence so strong when beginning treatment?
The root of ambivalence is fear, which is a strong feeling that many face in recovery. If disordered behaviors are typically used to deal with stress, difficult emotions, or previous traumatic experiences, working through these in treatment can be hard to tolerate. Change is indeed a large stressor, and therefore can trigger intense desire to revert to old ways of coping, but this stress is pivotal to living the life you deserve.
Relying on support through your friends, family, and your treatment team, will help you stay accountable. Discuss your feelings of ambivalence as they arise to get the help you need to continue fighting your eating disorder.
Overcoming ambivalence in eating disorder recovery
There are a number of things that can be done to overcome ambivalence in eating disorder recovery. Here are some ideas:
1. Ask yourself what is on the other side of recovery?
Your eating disorder will make it easy to focus on all of the negatives of recovering, to fight back, it is important to think about all the possibilities that can result from choosing recovery. Here are some examples:
The ability to go about your day to day life without obsessing over your body, food, weight, exercise etc.
Improved mood and less anxiety
You can make big changes and go after dreams of yours (ie: going to college or grad school, getting that dream internship or job, having a baby)
Discovering your true self and living a life aligned with your values
Improved relationships and deeper connections with friends and family
Relearning how to nourish your body through food, movement and activities that bring you joy
Ability to live your life without relying on behaviors that cause feelings of shame and despair
Connecting with your emotions and being able to express them
Finding self-acceptance and recognizing your worth
2. Name and recognize your ambivalence about recovery
Take some time to think about why you are feeling ambivalent about recovery. It may be helpful to journal about it and explore both sides of your thoughts and feelings. It may be helpful to share these thoughts you have written down with a trusted loved one or your therapist to discuss where you are at, and what support may be helpful.
3. Ask for help
If you are struggling with an eating disorder and feeling ambivalent about recovery, know that you are not alone. Many people have struggled with the same feelings. However, recovery is possible and there are people who can help you on this journey. Beginning the journey is the hardest step, and your fears are nothing to be ashamed of. Recovery is a process, and no one expects you to heal immediately.
An eating disorder is not a choice and you can’t do it alone. If you are ready to take the first step, learn more about our treatment programs or reach out to talk to us about recovery.