7 Steps to Set Boundaries in Eating Disorder Recovery

 

Written by CCTC Staff Writer


Whether you have struggled with your interpersonal relationships or not, recovery has probably changed the way you think and interact with others. If you have dysfunctional relationships, you can’t use disordered behaviors as coping skills. And even if no one in your life is particularly harmful, you might have a harder time tolerating stressful situations, managing the tasks you once did, or being social in general. In either case, you have to learn to set boundaries in eating disorder recovery.


Keep reading for:

  • Why you may find it hard to set boundaries in eating disorder recovery

  • How to go about setting those healthy boundaries

  • Coping skills for after your conversation

  • What to do when boundaries are crossed


Your recovery is the most important thing in your life — nothing and no one else can take you away from it. It may sound selfish now, but you can’t be fully present for your family and friends if you are stuck in a debilitating mental illness.

Possible Reasons Boundaries are Difficult for Individuals with Eating Disorders:

Eating disorders are complex illnesses related to both how an individual sees themselves and how they relate to others.

These are some of the barriers that individuals in recovery may face when it comes to setting necessary boundaries:


Low Self-Esteem 

Individuals with eating disorders often have low self-esteem and a low sense of self-worth. 

They may associate the approval of others with their own worth. Setting boundaries could make the other person angry or resentful, or see you in a negative light.

Since you attach your value as a person to their opinion of you, their negative response could hurt your sense of self-worth.

And, as individuals with eating disorders are often emotion avoidant, you may not be willing to take that emotional risk.

Loneliness

If there are only a few people who are close to you, that’s completely okay. You don’t need a million friends to be happy — in fact, the average adult only has three friends for life and five people they would hang out with. And you definitely don’t need a relationship just to “have one.”

But the fear of loneliness is real for most people, especially for those with eating disorders.

Eating disorders thrive in isolation, and treatment professionals always recommend building a support system to help you cope with challenges in recovery. 

Plus, many people in recovery may have broken relationships with others due to their behaviors while dealing with an active eating disorder. For example, if you weren’t able to go out to meals with friends due to your eating disorder, they may have just stopped asking you to come along.

So it’s natural to want to preserve the relationships that are intact.

However, if there is a boundary that needs to be set, you should feel safe asserting your needs.

If you don’t feel safe voicing your concerns, consider whether that relationship is worth maintaining.

Codependent Tendencies

Codependency refers to the extreme preoccupation and dependence on another person — physically, mentally, and/or emotionally.

Codependent relationships may be found in dysfunctional family settings, toxic friendships, and abusive relationships.

Setting boundaries in a codependent relationship you’re currently in is extremely difficult, and unfortunately, once you’ve had a codependent relationship, you’re much more likely to have certain codependent traits such as:

  • Fear of abandonment

  • Denying your own needs

  • Feeling the need to be liked

  • Basing your self-worth on an interpersonal relationship

Even if you’ve ended a codependent relationship, you can still have a hard time maintaining healthy relationships with set boundaries.


Related: Learn more about the relationship between codependency and eating disorders.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Eating Disorder Recovery:

1. Think about what you will tolerate and whether you need to set a boundary.

No relationship is perfect. Your loved ones and the other people you are around on a day-to-day basis will never exist in perfect harmony. 

But there’s a difference between being annoyed and being hurt. And it’s important to recognize what you can handle and what you won’t.

If someone in your life is constantly too close to you, or makes comments that hurt your feelings, then you should set a boundary. You should consistently have to tolerate the things that trigger you. 

This may mean you need to set boundaries around:

  • Diet talk

  • Negative body image talk

  • What is (and is not) okay to discuss concerning physical appearance

  • Attending fitness classes, going running, etc.

  • Going clothes shopping

  • Going out to restaurants

  • Being spontaneous

Ideally, you will get to a place in your recovery when you can do all of these things with the people you enjoy being around. But if you’re not in the place to do or talk about something without being triggered, set a boundary.

It is okay to ask your best friend to stop talking about their diet or commenting on people’s bodies — both in recovery and in general. Spreading diet culture is not good for anyone.


Related: This is how exposure therapy can help face your fears in eating disorder recovery, whether your fear is about going clothes shopping, going out to eat, or any other thing you avoid.

2. Plan out your conversation using the DEAR MAN DBT skill.

A good boundary is specific and easy to understand. If you leave some ambiguity or “wiggle room” when it comes to setting a boundary, you may be setting yourself up for future conflict.

The DEAR MAN skill is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill, designed to help you effectively assert your needs, ask for change, and remain firm throughout the conversation. 

DEAR MAN itself is an acronym that stands for:

  • D: describe the situation in a simple way, stating only the facts.

  • E: Express how you’re feeling using “I” statements, to keep the other person from getting defensive.

  • A: Assert your needs by asking for what you need in a clear, strong way.

  • R: Reinforce by making sure this person understands why they should grant your request.

  • M: (stay) Mindful: Stay focused on the conversation and try to keep it on-course, even if the other person starts to get defensive.

  • A: Appear confident, even if you don’t feel confident, by sitting up, eyes forward, and shoulders back.

  • N: Negotiate if the other person does not feel they can or should give you exactly what you are asking for.


Note: If you are asking for something that will help your recovery that takes nothing on their end but a change in behavior, it shouldn’t be too hard to grant your request.

Here is a free downloadable DEAR MAN skill worksheet you can fill out to prepare for an effective conversation.

3. Specifically set aside time to talk with this person.

You don’t want to have an important conversation while the other person is running out the door, or you’re standing around a group of friends.

Ask the other person if they can set aside time to talk with you alone. Face-to-face is ideal, because subtle emotional cues like tone of voice get lost in texts or emails. But that’s not always possible.

You should also set aside some time for yourself after the conversation, to decompress and cope with any distressing emotions that arise.

4. Practice the conversation in your head.

Work on confidently making your request and staying calm.

If you can, visualize actually having the conversation. It may help calm your nerves, sort of like how a dress rehearsal can make a show less daunting.

5. Discuss your boundary issue/request with someone you trust.

Sometimes it helps for you to just get out your thoughts and nerves by talking about an upcoming confrontation.

Discussing what’s reasonable to ask and how to handle the potential conflict is a really great thing to do with an eating disorder professional, or just someone whose judgment you trust.


Related: These are four things to consider while searching for an eating disorder therapist.

6. Remain alert and firm throughout the conversation.

Remain on-topic throughout the conversation.

Work through the points on your DEAR MAN worksheet (bring it along if you need to), hopefully without being interrupted.

Remain alert as you’re speaking. If you get the sense that the other person is getting too emotional to listen, or is reacting maliciously, then create space between you and the other person. Come back to the conversation later (or evaluate your relationship with this person, which we will discuss in the next section.)

If they are receptive to your words, ask them:

  • If they understand what you are asking of them

  • Whether or not they have any questions

  • If they can respect your boundary

Be explicit about your requests, and make sure they have heard you.

7. Plan some coping skills for the emotional fallout of the conversation.

In some circles, setting boundaries is seen as self-care — and it is! But setting the boundary itself can be emotionally draining, even if the conversation goes well.


Plan to use some coping skills after, such as:

  • Watching a TV show or video to distract yourself

  • Doing a craft to keep your mind active and busy

  • Listening to music and going for a slow, mindful walk in nature

  • Meeting up/talking with someone, not necessarily to rant, but just to remind yourself that you are likeable

  • Spending time with your pet — they’re very therapeutic and love you unconditionally (for the most part)

  • Journaling to release any built up feelings or worries


Related: These are the six mindful forms of self-care in eating disorder recovery, and how to build a self-care routine around them.

What if they can’t respect your established boundary?

Then it’s really time to consider how much you value your relationship with this person.

Think about how often you see them, how you feel before and after seeing them, and whether they are contributing as much to the relationship as you are. And, of course, ask whether they are helping or hurting your recovery.

If they’re not helping, then it may be time to step back from them for a while. You don’t have to ghost them — just explain that you need to take some time away to focus on your recovery.


If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, take the first step today and talk to someone about eating disorder recovery or simply learn more about the inclusive, holistic eating disorder treatment programs we offer.




 
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